Are you a Gritty Glitter Runner?

carjandmAre you a gritty glitter girl runner? Or for that matter a gritty glitter guy runner?  Do not let the glitter phrase phase you…. GLITTER is for all sexes.  Do not confuse RUNNING GLITTER with the sparkly stuff that you played with in elementary school……….covering reindeer hand prints with oodles of red glitter that covered every available surface……  RUNNING GLITTER ….or to be precise…..GRITTY GLITTER….. Is a unique trail running phenomenon.  Trail runners love gritty glitter so much that you will see on instagram that the favorite hashtag is #trailporn…to show these muddy and dirty….not THAT kind of dirty…..pictures of ultra trail runners COVERED in GRITTY GLITTER!!!!!  Now they call it mud….but I beg you to embrace the purple cow inside you!!!  MUD?? Dirt?? Seriously??? This from people that run through woods for 50 to 100 miles hooting and hollering for FUN?  Runners that spend their free time on Facebook threads for hours talking about socks, fuel, feet, and the best ball sac glide??? deznutsTHESE ARE FUN PEOPLE….Mud is just to LAME OF A TERM…

When you are packing your Nathan’s to go on your trail run….are you smiling widely?  Are you giddy as a school girl? As nutso as a full grown man setting up his fantasy football team??? If you ARE NOT….then you are missing something….you need to work on getting your GRITTY GLITTER on….your FUNonamol back…..WTF you run for then??? Get muddy, get high…AS IN UP IN A TREE!!!! not the arrested kind….. although if you live in a state that this is legal my medical maryjane stock is very sucky right now so please feel free to indulge…but NC is a NO GO!!!!  I want to SEE your gritty glitter pictures….I want you to have fun trail running….I want you to stop…(not your Garmin or your Runkeeper…that is like A SIN…..) but during your long run, short run…stop off the trail and CLIMB a TREE…get muddy….Do some handstands…horrific cartwheels…. grittyglittersanleetrailwear a leopard print run skirt..or a kilt! 

**Now technically for complete disclosure….as many of my gritty glitter gurus know…I will run in just about any skirt!  That skirt above is FABULOUS….BUT it is a $9.98 Forever 21 clearance thingy*ma*bob that I stole from my youngest 17 year old….IT HAS POCKETS!!! It runs TOTES AWESOME!!!!  I fell down a hill in it, did a spectacular three point tuck and roll, with nary a scratch to that joker!

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/are-you-a-grit…glitter-runner/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{Are you a Gritty Glitter Runner?}</a>.</p>

DNF, DNS, DFL….What’s the BFD?

portapottyDNFDNF, DNS, DFL…..What is the BFD?????  well it is huge I tell you…huge…..  GIGANTANUS bigger……..than if GU was to release Krispy Kreme flavored GU with a caffeine content of 70mg HUGE!!! krisypykreme(and I would be standing in line like Apple product launch standing in line for that creamy stuff of deliciousness I am just saying…AND really REALLY sad that I sold my stock in Krispy Kreme when they were kinda in the porta-potty of stock if you know what I mean….not that my penny stocks of medical maryjane are doing that swell but hey…not all of us can be the WOLF OF WALL STREET!)

If you are from anywhere up north you know the acronym BFD….it was our high school cry out…it was more common than LOL is today….after all what WAS the BFD?  the Big F@#!ing Deal????  Now we did have some kids at my school that practiced the BHD…but after asking guitar man who grew up in Indiana …and being met with a hugely blank stare….I believe the Big Hairy Deal must be a purely Michigan abbreviation that only the truly straight laced are even remotely familiar with…..Which also led me to shout to my daughter hey….BAE..we were using text talk before we even had bag cell phones…just FYI (another textable that WE invented teenagers, so don’t be too smug….) there is no impressing a 17 year old high school senior…..

The ultra running world is full of a unique language all to their own.  DNF means Did Not Finish….it is bad….uber bad.  What is WORSE, is it slightly incorrect in my black and white concrete mind.  I understand the black and white DNF…..the runner did NOT CROSS THE LINE WITH HIS OR HER BIB…..ie they died or left the race…..I got it.  Makes sense right??? But oh no….the ultra world is a cruel and unusual middle school world sometimes….A runner can be within SIGHT or even touch of the finish line and if the cannon or timer ends they are considered a DNF………Some races have unusual and harsh ways of making sure the racers absolutely know they are DNF-ers……At some races it is rumored they just shoot the runners who do not cross the line in time in the black toenail of their choice so they will not post endlessly on Facebook about their DNF …….(If you wish to read a truly well written article about DNF and how to avoid check this one out!!) I suggest we simply add a letter or three in the spirit of ultra running…after  all the ultra running community is a FUN crew!! How about…DNFBISOL??? It is kind of SNAZZY!!!  Did Not Finish But In Sight Of Line?  I believe this is rather fair…and I believe some sort of firestarter or whatever those rally-together-throw-internet-money-at-a- good-cause thingys are called so we can buy more well crafted beer at the finish line. This would be an excellent idea for this sort of venture!!! Who needs well crafted beer more than a shot in the toenail….DNFBISOL??????  All I ask is that you marinate on it…..

Next is the DNS…. Did Not Start….um why is this a designated acronym? Is it like a call out at work?  Like three DNS episodes in a rolling calender year and you are terminated from the ultra community?  Why not…..YDG….You Didn’t GO…..SCU….Something Came UP…..YDD…..Your Dog Died…..I believe this one is because ultra runners are the most committed people I have EVER met…..WHICH IS AWESOME!! They need a code for why they didn’t do something….but you totes gotta explain that to marathon peeps…because those jokers be swappin’ bibs at the expo like a 1970’s key party!  “Oh you not gonna run the MCM….here give me a 20 spot…you can have my bib.”  That kind of thing just does not occur at the The Ultra Trail du Mont Albert……..zamboni

Now my personal favorite DFL……or Dead F*&^ing Last…….this takes incredible SKILL people. This is not 5K DFL…….Being the Zamboni of the 100 mile race takes balls…..Remember you are in grave danger of having your toenails shot off…..there may be no snacks left….someone may have drank YOUR BEER!!!! timing is critical….this is not a spot to play with peeps.  I can not find much research in the proper training of how to become an excellent DFL-er….therefor the GOOD NEWS is it is a wide open area for exploration…..YOU CAN OWN IT!!! YOU……YES>>>>YOU…..could be the guru of the DFL…I, for one, would be interested in reading your training strategy…….run balls

******as always this post is intended to in NO WAY OFFEND ANYONE………… please leave any comments and acronyms I may have missed or jacked up, thank you kindly, hugs!! grittyglittergirl!!

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<p>Original article: <a href=”{ http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/dnf-dns-dfl-whats-the-bfd/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{DNF, DNS, DFL….What’s the BFD?}</a>.</p>

Just Say It Ain’t Sew

runskirt

A running dress…. This is EXACTLY what I need.  In a running dress I will look svelte and lean like a strong gazelle as I speed through the woods of Fort Bragg.  I will run swiftly past man, animal, or child without even a jostle of the wind in a running dress! I will leap streams or rocks….or fallen logs…OR FALLEN TREES………..but not snakes those I will go around…. I looked for said dress, I looked like a mere mortal online……in my beloved forest of course……… The dresses were DREADFUL, awful things no prideful gazelle would be caught dead running in. Most looked like a long wife beater tank option that even I…that has been known to wear pajama bottoms to Walmart…would not be caught dead in…..
Now don’t get all PETA on me, I am certainly not planning to snare, then dress a gazelle in a test running dress…so hush it……….  Now I would grill a gazelle if that is a legal act but I actually am not totally up to speed on the legal implications of hunting such said animal NOR have I ever been hunting in my life…..but all this ultra training has made me pretty much crave a good rare steak.  Which in Fayetteville, my favorite place to indulge in such an option is by far the Chop house!  Now I don’t get any free food from the restaurant….they may actually charge me extra because I tend to ask too many questions….but oh my..do they make a FABULOUS steak and a wicked bad so good it’s a SIN martini…….
Now my blogger guru (is that what you would call someone that is spectacular @ what they do??? She is the YODA of ultra blogging I am just saying…funny, smart, runs like a bazillion, chizillion miles) thought maybe a pattern would help. Of course it would! Anyone in their right mind would use a pattern. So after I got done laughing about using a pattern (I am an artist…….. so I believe that legally excuses me from using a pattern, and yes I am aware I have never SOLD anything, but then I also still have both of my ears firmly attached so my level of dedication and commitment may be in question)
artistThis is what I have so far:
1-An awesome name for my new running dress company when the IPO goes out “Gritty Girl” a division of vintagegltrgirl we may also expand to offer “Gritty Guy” run skorts in the future
2-I ate 2 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts
3- I have a crooked half-finished run dress that is unwearable
4- I decided that since Friday is technically a rest day I should not be sewing…..

I am planning to stick to my purchased run skirts and emerging career as a redbox movie rental button pusher for toddlers (RMRBPT).  I find that the new market for RMRBPTs is virtually untapped. Granted it has caused me a bit of issue on a couple of awkward occasions but I am sure as the newness of the position and possibility of assistance at the very complicated redbox becomes known…..I will be welcomed with open arms. redbox
<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/just-say-it-aint-sew/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{just-say-it-aint-sew}</a>.</p>

Ode 2 Leggs

odetoleggsWe all have had besties…best friends…or in today’s high school and middle school world…my BAE or biffle is LEGGS!  If she was only a best friend she would still be totes top on my list!  Now #fyf  (it’s important that you learn to keep up with the foreign language the people that have our economic engines firmly turning use…the 13 year olds of today!….fyf= fix you face…which in my house I have changed to FYG ..fix your grill….. go ahead feel free to use it and blow some teeny-boppers mind the next time you roll through the drive thu!!)  Now they may stick their finger into your diet coke but hey..you are hip..what do you care!??? SOOOO your face straight?? You with me..ready to find out what makes a top running partner?

Leggs is more than a biffle…she has a trickier job! She is my ultra training partner!  She along with our buddy CR form the Paco Posse running team.  Leggs has been there since the beginning, and so in ODE to her….I started to think of a list of sayings that differ a best friend from a truly quality and BEST running partner one can HAVE … 

Things I have said to Leggs:

* Can you check my bladder? I don’t think it is still hanging…..

* Watch the trail…Did you bring paper??? Just yell HI when runner comes..

* I said 50 miles….

* It’s just a marathon…..I am only going to be 40 once….

* Don’t let them cut off my clothes…once they put me in that ambulance they will cut them off!!!….make them promise….

* We don’t need a helmet…the kids aren’t going…..

* It’s just an ultra……

* It’s only 18 miles….22 miles….50 miles….100 miles…..

* What type of lube was that?

* Tape me up! No one else can do it right!

* Do you need to suck on the tube?

* NEVER sing Footloose during my AC/DC solo…….

*If I fall /break/die put my bib in your pack and drag it across the line…

* Never will we bring a 100lb lab that needs to be firemen carried on a trail again….

* Crossfit??!!! We don’t EVER say that commercialized propaganda word….we play and run in the woods!

* I thought hanging down the stairs by our ankles doing sit-ups was a good incline work out…..

*I will make sure you get the epidural…

* Of course I know how to start it….why else would I open the TRUNK??????

* No those shoes do not make your feet look big….

* I think we scared those guys…….. (this one has been said so many times we might need a tat of this)

* I don’t care what the runkeeper says it FEELS like 8.2 not 9…….

* We need hills…heat..trails….not pavement and flat…..

* FUEL….drink….swimmingmeg

All in all the bestest running partner ever! A awesome person, fabulous nurse, fantastic beast on any huge hill, always has my back…as I do hers.  We are truly lucky!! Somehow we got even luckier this year with the addition of our CR to our team…..

It’s going to be a great year for PACO Posse!!! Come RUN with us….we will even check your bladder!

paco posse

 

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/ode-2-leggs/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{ode-2-leggs}</a>.</p>

Postal Option vs Tramp Stamp

offtrailarrowGrittyglittergirl has a bit of a secret….no I am not secretly a FBI agent that knows how to tie three pieces of 6 inch dental floss and a box of toothpicks into a floatable boat for two…..It is something a bit more annoying due to the sheer nature of the nickname.  Have you ever done something you were SURE was completely adorable or fun and then LATER find out that it had negative connotations…..that it had BAD IDEA WRITTEN ALL OVER IT????   This has happened to me on many occasions….I have a dog that is soooooo cute but who’s name rhymes with PIT-zu…….My thought process that roller derby was a good exercise option for a uncoordinated, amazon, girl that could barely SKATE……just  because I had a great roller derby name………was misguided…. roller derbyThat moving away from vanilla ice cream when that was totally my favorite to try  disgusting rocky road flavors…was a bad idea.  That MMA would be a good fit for a stubborn girl that refused to use the words “tap out” but yet did not like to hit OR BE HIT!!!  MIG welding is something one can learn from a youtube video….. these are just a few of my minor setbacks…..The larger ones I am protected by witness protective services for than goodness…..But …….lastly the placement of one of my tattoos …..the homeless person postal option…..AKA the tramp stamp. 

Who would have thought that the placement of one tattoo would cause such a negative onslaught from complete strangers???  It is an obvious placement…lower back… appropriate for work…hurt less than the foot tattoo.  Yet this could start the downward slide towards a stripper pole and a life of tassels and pasties?  I have heard these very thing spoken to me….I own none of these things….but apparently I should….Because the look of shock when a glimmer of the offensive postal option comes to light is quite humorous.   How is this possible? How can a mother of four, an upstanding nurse, and regular church going peep end up with a tramp stamp?  Was I tied…held down?? Fed rocky road ice cream at a strange and twisted party and tatted up?  No…simply NO ONE TOLD ME!!!!!stamp

THERE WAS NO SIGN!  As my friend Leggs also attests…she has a homeless person’s postal option also…there was no sign at the yuppy tattoo place with the fluffy couches and the no smoking signs…….stating “tramp stamp” placement area….. WARNING!!!!  So we are in a collective mission to both as public health officials…..

 

1. Change the name to another although equally politically incorrect and offensive one: the homeless person’s postal option, we believe this will both confuse and bewilder the less astute population and make the tramp stamp negativity decrease ….it will of course perhaps increase negativity for homeless people attempting to conduct business at USPS..but I cannot please everyone..everyday!!mailbox

2. Proudly support ink for any over 18 year old person who should want it.  Removal of negative stereotyping with tattoos, piercings, or plastic surgery  should be eliminated.  Whatever makes a person feel better as long as it is legal should be acceptable.  People need to stick to their own kool-aid and not always be messing with everyone elses…..

What does a life style choice, such as the homeless person’s postal option have to do with running? Everything!  The next time you are tempted to give a unsolicited or negative opinion on ANY topic…..just think of how welcomingly you, yourself…… received any of the following information about your “poor” judgement in running over 50 miles a week …GAWD FORBID AT A TIME>>>>, not eating meat, planning your vacations around running, refusing to be out late before a long run, spraying your feet with deodorant….the use of body glide……..or any of the other “odd” habits we long distance runners have…. and just stop.  Do not do anything other smile and nod. And rest easy in the fact that you are free to be as purple as you too wish to be…..at any time…in any place.

 

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/postal-option-vs-tramp-stamp/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{postal-option-vs-tramp-stamp}</a>.</p>

De Snubbed Toe…..

toeamigo De poor…poor…snubbed, disdained, rejected, and scorned….black toe on my right foot.  What was a simple two mile test run in a pair of HOKA Stinsons was by a day later a shiny blueish, cyanotic glow of a telltale  toe nail conundrum…..a runner catastrophe….Now normal toes would band together like a group of southern baptist church women organizing a funeral supper!  casseroleLittle trays of toe healing casseroles would be arriving to my footstool..my ottoman…by the truck load! Pyrex containers overflowing with tater tots covered in cheese, mini wieners in bbq sauce, and classic mac and hamburger.  Gastric delights…….

Think of the common treatment for a broken toe….the Doctor tapes them together!!!  United……Toes help each other…like a fallen soldier is carried from battle by his brothers in arms…or in this  example……brothers in toes!!  

Those loyal and loving supportive type toes…sadly, they belong to other runners…..me…..I sleep with one eye open out of fear that my mutinous other four toes will conduct a secret vote during the dead of the night…..and take it upon themselves to AMPUTATE THE OFFENDER!!!!!  elephant toes

 

 

Many will rush to offer suggestions of heated needles….and pots of scalding water….super..lets both drown and impale the poor thing!!  Is it not enough that he has been rejected by his fellow appendages??  That I have booked digit and dactyl specialty therapy….Do you have any idea of how unique and specialized a field that is these days???  In final closing, I beg you, treat all your toes with gentle love…maybe even a nice family massage…separate little toe hugs……because maybe just maybe someday they will need the teamwork skills that these type of activities can encourage…..toesock

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/de-snubbed-toe/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{de-snubbed-toe}</a>.</p>

Purple Cows & Lightning Boltz!

purple cowOne may wonder…..what in the world do purple cows have to do with running?  What do they have to do with anything actually?  Actually, the purple cow concept is a pretty well known and respected marketing concept by Seth Godin.  I have included a link if you want to understand more of his theory…..because you must understand that surely….I am going to somehow have my own spin on this.  This in no way has ANYTHING to do with Mr. Godin’s theory except that we both seem to share a fondness for cows….mine stems from growing up visiting my grandparent’s dairy farm all my life.

grittyglittergirl being attacked by a killer Holstein
grittyglittergirl being attacked by a killer Holstein

In your life you will meet people that are original purple cows….they were simply born that way.  They DAZZLE, they shine….they march to a fabulous beat that only a few hear…yet many should strive to listen to.  They are extremely rare….almost as rare as finding a perfect pair of unworn HOKAs at walmart rare!

You may also meet the purple cow that is akin to a non-professional perm…or a free haircut….something to be examined on your best friend…..but to be avoided by yourself at ALL COSTS!  These pseudo cows…..PURPLE POSERS……the regular Holsteins with a Dollar Tree Halloween coating of purple glitter are dangerous.  They may try to impress you with the ramblings of trail runs or PR times…..proceed with caution…..Where does this leave you? …Why should you care?  Why should you even worry about cows? …and the ramblings of this runner?

You don’t have to…you can swipe me away..if it’s an iPad….but after you leave that 5K, 10K, or half marathon world………Once you start running farther and farther, a strange thing happens to many distance runners…..especially ultra runners.  You begin to bleed a bit of purple.  Now some of us were out of the closet, crazy purple-donning, comfortable in our skins, flag flying, proud, BAD A@# purple cows from birth……Others, however, take a bit of time to realize their power…..their inner awesomeness!…awesome

If you have been following the blog at all…and I encourage you to do so…my mother is getting very lonely with only herself, and her coupon clipping club of two members as followers….You know that I believe in being a LITTLE OUT THERE…..seeking to find your purple cowhood and perhaps even wrapping your arms around that SUCKER…because being true to yourself is amazing! A true purple cow has instagram photos of their black toenails….they do handstands after a particularly hard run…..they are not worried about matching socks or their hair while they run……They eagerly trade running hacks among each other with glee….The can talk about any bodily process and still maintain pace…….Do you REALLY want to blend in with a sea of normal runners, or maybe….just maybe you have already become a bit purple?

Realize that being a purple cow makes you easily visible, distinguishable, and down right unmistakable sometimes….The fact that  you are a unique and complete package of AWESOMENESS…this may just make you a bit of a target to the other cows of the Oreo…black and white variety……In fact, if purple lightening was to strike, you might be hit…….Be careful yet joyful on the trail and road……embrace your uniqueness!  And if you are struck by lightning…….may it be on your final mile……….

trailrunning

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/purple-cows-lightning-boltz/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{purple-cows-lightning-boltz}</a>.</p>

Pool Boy Lovers & HOKA ONE ONE

shoe santaWith my old lover, I couldn’t run further than 3 miles after my stress fracture/break….I cannot disparage or say a bad word about him however because it was me that insisted he become  a skinnier, minimalist form of his previous self…. and then I railed when he did not support my willowy frame (aka 6 foot tall amazon like Midwestern Lithuanian runner body)  Why I thought this reborn lover….with his lean, sleek body reminiscent of a young tanned pool boy in a banana hammock and a IQ of 4, would support me in the fashion in which I am accustom to was insane….not just somewhat crazy………..but full on, slap your momma and take your last pack of honey lemonade stingers CRAZY!!!  1245617624pool-boy

This break up….led to my new obsession…my match.com endless nights perusal of both roadrunner sports or running warehouse with the dedication that only a 38 year old unmarried female, complete with unfertilized eggs, a dead-end job, no boyfriend, 27 ugly, ruffled, bridesmaid dresses and a brand new wax can only have! (this is an analogy…remember I am 42…married…no one wants my eggs, waxing hurts, and I highly believe my husband would be totes pissed if I, all the sudden started trolling for a boyfriend on match.com)

These shoes were made for ROOTS jumpin'
These shoes were made for ROOTS jumpin’

In the span of two weeks, I ordered over 7 pairs of Altras and various HOKAs……..I have never been more desperate or miserable…OK to be totally honest, my best friend from high school Kirsten absolutely knows of a time….involving a certain senior, blue NOVA, and the deepest blue eyes I have to this day,  never seen replicated on this God given earth….Come to think of it…..he may have been not of this earth AKA the devil LOL.

I now have narrowed my selection down to one shoe….the perfect shoe.  The HOKA ONE ONE Clifton!  It is a dream shoe….even with my bruises and scrapes from the other wicked lovers….I can run 14 miles floating on these babies….Two more Cliftons are currently winging there way to me now.

Why two more pairs?? Why be like a greedy toddler in a Walmart check out line at 5pm after a hard day at the local Sunshine house daycare? Toddler boy crying in candy aisle of grocery store Because I can!  It is LEGAL!  Thankfully running shoes are not like husbands…..I am legally allowed to collect as many as I like…of the same style in different colors!  I dare say if I tried to add to my collection of  current my singular spouse by introducing into this at the dinner conversation in the form of………”Say…..super husband….you have been a great fit for me.  You tend to wear well and don’t cause me chafing, or black toe nails………Soooooooo, I have decided to get some more of you, like perhaps six or seven, keep you tucked in a closet…..you understand of course…just in case you get broken down…or tired, God forbid…you CRACK….although you can be a bit pricey…. I am going to pick you up in several colors…you do not mind do you?????” *note expect conversation would NOT GO WELL….Just SAYING

My goal is to stock pile at least six of these shoes….I live daily in terror that HOKA will change the style…..This is not a pair of jeggings from American Eagle people….I am dedicated to these shoes!  I am obsessed…..reality TV show obsessed…..

hoka

 

 

The Good, the Ugly, the L*Itis……

Long Run Find

I don’t know what normal people do on a long run….I would imagine they do something as unimaginative as just running the distance in the shortest time possible with proper form.  To me that sounds like poppycock…runner blaspheme…and actually a recipe for the worst condition of all.  This condition can strike a runner at the most unexpected or inopportune time.  This potentially fatal plight must be avoided at all costs…yet I see NARY , not one iota (an example…in common word-o-las) of the condition discussed.  Runners lament, complain, post numerous pictures of stress injuries (really…how well can one tell from your carefully instagramed shots…exactly WHERE the pain is????????  If my patients had been this specific in their signs and symptoms we would have spent every afternoon by the pool…with a tanned and fit young thing named Max bringing us frothy sports drinks if we ever so much as lifted a tiny pinky finger….sigh….uhhh are you still here???!!!!   AWKWARD )  The posters on message boards and in meetup locations endlessly discuss prevention techniques for every possible ailment……  Yet I hear not one word  uttered about the massive elephant in the closet.  Well today, I am here to proudly bring everything into the

Come out of the closet!
Come out of the closet!

light…without a wear chartreuse, or save indigo, or any type of fundraising campaign for this big hairy disease.

The bottom line is you, my dear, are in DANGER.  

Longrunitis: a condition in which any run of a distance greater than 8 miles becomes characterized only by garmen statistics, GU flavors, Tailwind ratios, pack dimensions, trail conditions, shoe brands, pre-run prep, post-run preparation, foot preparation, research preparation, and complete rearrangement of scheduling to accommodate said activity.  Signs and symptoms may  include: arriving to a group dinner Friday night and stating you can only stay for an hour because you have to be up in 20 minutes to start your 30 mile run….ordering flavored snot in bulk from the forest, and bragging about it…..rambling on and on about gear such as foam rollers, beet juice, chia seeds……planning your vacation time around races…..owning more than 6 pairs of HOKA one ones (and knowing the correct way to pronounce the name is an EXTREME SIGN OF ADVANCED DISEASE PROCESS!!!!)

The only way to prevent this condition from becoming debilitating…and saving the runner from sure social pariah (a terrifying condition in which even the grocery store bagger will suddenly flip off the light when you approach and flee screaming in terror…..this can cause severe psychological distress after repeated occurrences….once again I suggested the bathroom as a safe place to cry) is to ensure that FUN is a part of each and every long run!

Heads Up

 

This is NOT optional.  You have an obligation to the society of runners as a whole to continue the sport by adding FUN to your weekly long runs.  This is the same obligation that extends to common runner courtesies such as refraining from removing your shoes AND socks during dinner to show your table mates the number of toenails you have remaining…….It is however perfectly acceptable to show them your instagram pictures of these toenails after the appetizers but BEFORE the main course.   If you hesitate and wait until the desert then I am afraid your window of opportunity has passed…sadly…now put your socks back on.  I recommend starting very small if your Longrunitis is severe.  Mismatch your socks…. GASP!! it can BE DONE!!!  Every week add another Funism to your run!  It is totes a word…look it up….Feel free to tweet it to my twitter.  #grittyglittergirl or @grittyglittergirl   …we all want to see you loosen up a bit!!  Because frankly, we are worried about you.  If you practice, soon you too will be climbing trees, doing handstands, twerking as you run……  Life is entirely to short to live by garmin time alone people!!!!!

Climb Quickly.....Gotta keep it at a 15 minute mile!
Climb Quickly…..Gotta keep it at a 15 minute mile!

 

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/69/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{The Good, the Ugly, the L*Itis……}</a>.</p>

Sponsorship….Smonorship…Nonsornship….

analogies

Sponsorship ……this word is thrown around in the ultra running world like glitter in a high class strip club, like krispy in the crème, or orange cheese in my secret can of compressed whiz …….hidden deep in the fridge way back…..behind all the muscle milk, yogurt, and alfalfa sprouts! Cheese Whiz

In all the running groups I belong to, the members rant, rail, and whimper about the other members’ lack of disclosing their sponsorship status in a clear and plain matter.  “It must be clear to us if they work for the company.”  “We should be able to quickly tell if the runner receives gear from that brand!!!”  I, myself, to some degree, wholeheartedly agree with these valid concerns.  I would like to be absolutely certain that if my hero Cheryl Zwarkowski, starts carrying the new Bauer Supreme Total One NXG Senior Grip Hockey Stick, is it because she prefers the weight AND pivot when she turns tricky trails utilizing said stick as a modified trekking pole……. OR IS SHE SPONSORED???  (Cheryl Zwarkowski is only the greatest ultra runner EVER!!)  So in this context I can see where it is extremely important to develop some type of warning device or guide outline.

100 miles....IN MY SLEEP!!!!
100 miles….IN MY SLEEP!!!!

However, as with my example earlier, oftentimes a sponsored ultra runner is very difficult to spot……  One would imagine that an athlete of this caliber would look like an elite runner.  HUSH! It is imperative that we mere plodder-runners not miss a single sponsored runner…  They could even be lurking among the mere plodder-runners…..

For example, up north we plodder-runners occasionally become sponsored.  The effects of this type of sponsorship may cause poor decision making skills, uber-awful dancing, and the occasional Elvis chapel marriage……. I myself have occasionally been sponsored by Sir Patron and a lime or two…. Fortunately, the UN-paid sponsorship has a different look, feel, and normal smell to it altogether…. making it much easier to spot.  Look for gathering places in which these un-paid plodders will gather, typically post race.

Expect a different look from the plodder sponsorship runner verses the elite runner…..Bloody streaks near the nipple region, a large amount of expensive gear strapped to every part of the body after a color run (trail gators are not needed on a color run…), more than one medal around the plodders neck (there is no way to casually wear all your medals, from every race you have run, after the race… you will be teased, ridiculed, and publicly humiliated…… I suggest the bathroom as a safe quality place to cry). These un-paid sponsorship runners may be very loud and boisterous…. allow them their vocal training!! They must use this time to build their lung volume.  Lastly, on occasion, gastrointestinal distress results from this type of sponsorship and vomiting may occur.  I highly recommend that you ensure the race shirt this plodder is guaranteed to be wearing not obtain any said vomit on it…….

In the end, the line between the two types of runners can be tricky.  (Its tricky.. 1986 Run-D.M.C. Tricky level…and we all know how tricky that is!)  .…I understand the need for a cry to arms….but please be gentle to the occasionally sponsored plodder runner.  Help them up gently, as their lungs are full of colored powder, bellies full of cheap beer, necks are herniated from the weight of 5K medals, and all they REALLY want in life….is for TAILWIND  to call them and ask them to review their mix……just once…trust me I know.

<p>Original article: <a href=”{http://www.grittyglittergirl.com/sponsorship-sm…ip-nonsornship/running/ultra/marathon/mom}”>{Sponsorship….Smonorship…Nonsornship….}</a>.</p>

Classic example of a plodder...AKA Un-paid Sponsorship
Classic example of a plodder…AKA Un-paid Sponsorship